Chestnuts roasting on the open fire….Jack Frost nipping on your nose….crowded malls with last minute shoppers…and holiday treats that are sooo good, you know it can’t be good for your health. Oh, let’s not forget that big jolly fellow in the red suit….
A year ago, I posted a blog wondering what it would be like if Santa was one of my infusion patients. Well, Santa didnt become my patient but I thought, just like a holiday ornament, I’d take it out of the box, dust it off and share it with all of you again. So here it is… …an oldie but goodie!!
IF SANTA CLAUS WAS AN INFUSION PATIENT…..
1. It would be very difficult to get an accurate patient information. Imagine this..
Nurse: Please tell me your name?
Patient: “St. Nicholas” but you call me“Santa Claus“. I am also called Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, and many other different names depending on the language. “HO! HO! HO!”
Nurse: Hmm, ok, …now I will need your date of birth.
Patient: “HO! HO! HO!”…
…but according to the patient’s companion, an “elf” .. “He is over 1700 years old! He was born about 270 AD in Asia Minor (Turkey).
Nurse: Ok,…next question, where do you live?
Patient: “Why, the North Pole, my dear.” Don’t you remember writing to me when you were 4 yrs old? Ho! Ho! Ho!!
Patient: “I bring presents to good boys and girls on Christmas Eve”. HO, HO, HO!!
2. I would jot down a few key observations about him…
- Overweight, jolly male in red velour suit with white trim, wearing a red hat, white gloves, and black boots.
- Full white facial beard with flushed cheeks and wears reading glasses
- Patient accompanied by many elves and his wife, Mrs. Jessica Claus
- Patient came to town in a sleigh pulled by 9 reindeers, one reindeer had a shiny nose.
- No food allergies, loves cookies and milk.
- Pets at home includes penguins and seals…
- Drinks eggnog, bourbon or scotch occasionally after work with the elves
- Patient has an annoying habit of saying “HO, HO, HO”!!!
- Patient’s wife reports ” hypertension” only between Thanksgiving and Christmas eve.
3. Don’t worry boys and girls – Santa is not ill. Doctors have encouraged Santa to loose weight, otherwise, he has no significant illness. After Christmas eve and his incredible journey around the world, carrying those heavy bags full of toys for good boys and girls, Santa experiences “dehydration” and perhaps some electrolyte imbalance. Mrs. Claus just want to make sure he gets some IV fluids before he goes to work!!!
4. I can’t imagine starting a PIV on Santa…that would be like starting an IV on your favorite celebrity or rock star!!! I’d be so starstruck, be afraid I might miss or blow his veins and end up on the “naughty” list!!
HO! HO! HO!….Happy Holidays to all!!